I wonder if my niece knows why I'm so hard on her.
I always find myself scolding her and telling her things like “do this right, do your homework, pay attention in school, don’t have sex.” blah blah blah. I wonder if she actually listens. All I want for her is to do good in life. I want her to be smart, go to college, and get a good job. I don’t want her to make big mistakes and fail in life. I know she’ll have to make her own mistakes and go through things on her own, but I dont want her to make mistakes that are irreversible or too deep to come back from. Ugh.
That I want to be someone’s past, present, and future. I’m sick of trying to pick up the pieces where others have left off. I want to be able to start fresh and new. To be able to be loved and love someone who has never loved before me. That all seems nearly impossible.
It’s half past midnight and the moon is at it’s peak Waiting for me to speak To look at him for comfort and relief To say what’s on my mind To tell him my emotions are a hidden treasure he needs to search and find I tell him I’ll stay for just a little while Then I flash him a wink and playful smile And before he can attempt to get the words to flow out of my mouth I give him one last look before I slip into that house Into a room unfamiliar but none the less comforting For a feeling unexplainable; what has he done to me? My heart beats faster almost to it’s limit Then I calm myself down cause I’ll only be here for a minute But I look at the clock and now it’s three in the morning It’s time for me to leave but not without fair warning But he holds me a little tighter and I stay I’ll stay a tad bit longer And he kisses me so sweetly and the urge is getting stronger In those moments all I want to do is lay with him forever This feeling, so tangible, I don’t want it to be just something to remember It’s as if he’s found my internal instructions He knows every button to push to make me function Nothing in life is perfect, except maybe this feeling Which I try to keep from showing, so I spend time concealing I can’t have him know everything about me Because even I, sometimes tend to doubt me And as good as it feels, I look at the logic of it all My heart wants to give in, but my mind says don’t fall Don’t fall to the foolishness of emotions You’re heart is a wound that can’t stay open It needs to be guarded, because it can’t think on it’s own The heart falls victim into any feeling unknown I’m attempting to seduce a man who’s been defending another country A battle I could possible lose if this man no longer wants me However, I’m still fighting the battle at this point in time I’m willing to go beyond and behind enemy lines To get what I want and rightfully deserve Despite the fact that my heart and mind differ I’m taking a risk to fall and not be caught I’m willing to stay down and not be picked up Because this feeling is something I don’t want to go astray And I’ll stick with this feeling, come what may But I’ve become too pensive and lost in my mind I snap back to reality and look at the time As I creep out into the dawn and see the painted pink clouds The birds break the silence and the atmosphere gets loud All around me, the entire sky is as bright as can be There’s no sun in sight, but the moon’s still watching me.
I have such a hard time moving on and opening up my heart to other people because you still keep me hanging. I can’t have you doing to me what you did to me before. I need to get rid of you. 6 years is a long time, but I want to fall in love. I never could because you’ve always had me on some type of hold. I can’t let you hold me back anymore. It hurts too much.
I don’t trust people easily. I front like I do, but deep down, I don’t. It’s not that I can’t trust someone, it’s just that… It seems every time I give in and actually trust someone with the things they tell me, they end up lying and breaking that trust. No expectations means no pain. Simple as that.